Unfortunately Isaac

Via Eric Meyer’s via The Wolf, I am proud to bring you Unfortunately Isaac.

Unfortunately, Isaac did not live to see the Messiah of David; he fell victim to the plague, being only 38 years old.
– Sucks when that happens.

Unfortunately, Isaac is the son of Abraham
– This has caused a lot of tension between my parents.

Unfortunately Isaac had Familial Shar-Pei Fever which is a genetic disease in some Shar-Pei. The disease does not always, but can lead to kidney failure
– Could explain the puddle in my cubicle.

Unfortunately, Isaac Royall, Senior, was ailing by the time he took up residence in his new home and died two years later.
– I die a lot.

Unfortunately, Isaac didn’t seem to learn any lessons from the family strife he experienced in his youth.
– Nope, no learning. Mostly just lasting scars and crushing neurosis. But who’s complaining?

Unfortunately Isaac was No Bright. His worldview was filled with religion.
– Who says? I’m an atheist and proud of it!

Unfortunately Isaac had to make a decision whether he was going to run Anime News Network, or help out his local anime convention.
– Tough choices plague me.

Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for another table and he realised his mistake too late to do anything
– You know, it’s really surprising what a couple of nuns will do when they’re liquored up. I don’t think our poodle will ever be the same again.

Unfortunately, Isaac never meets that need. Its length might lead one to assume the book to be wide-ranging.
– I have been called too long, it’s true.

Unfortunately, Isaac lost the family fortune through bad investments and alcoholism, and died very suddenly in 1888, leaving his estate in bankruptcy.
– Dead again. Shoot.

Unfortunately, Isaac is still in love with Tracy, who has left for acting school in London. He’s had enough of successful but neurotic urban over-achievers
– Wrong on both points. Everyone knows Tracy is a wannabe and I’m a sucker for successful neurotic urban over-achievers.

Unfortunately, Isaac is not found in the 1840 census in New Boston Township, so we cannot tell if he had a first family.
– That’s because I sold my first family to a clan of travelling dentists for exotic experimentation, and you’ll never pin it on me, thanks to the mind-erasing drugs.

Unfortunately, Isaac found that the notes, while barely legible, were encrusted with suspicious, strongly scented stains and had to be burnt.
– Unclean!! Unclean!!

Unfortunately, Isaac died a virgin
– Better to die undeflowered than to deflower the dead. No, wait — flip that, reverse it.

Unfortunately Isaac’s stay with the Church of Satan was circumcised soon after the filming of Satanis.
– Not much to say about this one.

Unfortunately, Isaac was attempting to go against God’s will.
– I definitely do that from time to time.

And, unfortunately, Isaac puts “appetite before theology” [Waltke]. Or as Gordon Wenham says, “Isaac’s sensuality is more powerful than his theology.
– How true! Thanks, Gordon.

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